LEON NOCKOLDS is one dedicated mother. He has more records than David Beckham and washes at least once every day. Unfortunately his passion for vinyl means his pockets are entirely empty... So, to get to the forthcoming gig he plans to sell his kidney... if anyone is interested, his ad is in Loot next week.

THOMAS NEISH is a tall man with an angular head. His hobbies are simply counting cars on the main road where he lives and then using the figures he obtains to pick lottery tickets each week. He never actually plays the Lotto as it is a tax on those who hate their shit jobs and want a way out! Thanks for your support Tom. We appreciate every drop of it.
...I'm of to buy a scratchcard

MEGAN WRIGHT. Many of you may know her best as Mystic Meg, inventor of the lottery/lotto. Ever since her double marriage to Philip Schofield and Seal, Megan has kept out of the public eye, making only spiritual appearances, most notably the Fourers concerts. Megan currently offers technical support on the Robot Wars circuit.

TIM ELDER Tim has been such an obsessive stalker of the band that we have let him join us rather than face costly legal fees. He says, 'playing music with real people is much better than the dolls he made, although the doll's didn't have clothes!'

ZANA KONTOMANOLI. Glowing Zana was born and bred in Chertsey, yet pretends to be Greek to make herself look cool... and boy does it work! When we first met Zana, working in a gun shop in Leicester, we just had to invite her to a gig. She tried to say 'I don't understand' and 'whata you mean?' but eventually she gave in and turned up trumps. Zana is a keen golfer, and part-time silent movie actress. Thank you for you support Zana.

ROBERT GODBOLD has been a fan of The Fourers ever since he lost his memory in 1993. If you want to spot Rob at the next gig, he'll be the one with a bikini top just showing through his T-shirt and holding a Londis carrier bag full of reduced corned beef. If you buy him a pint of water and tell him it's beer, he'll drink it... he don't know nothing!

ANDY HILL is London's premier street artist and performer. He specializes in what he calls, "bread sledging". He coats himself in Philadelphia© and then launches his slick body down the escalators in Angel tube station.His only form of protection is a farmhouse loaf on the head and a crusty bap on each foot.

RUTH ALISON is our tallest fan, clocking in at 12 foot and 3 inches she makes life on the tubes a real problem! I say this as the tunnels of London town are her home and pipesque playground. Due to her height she finds it easier to exist horizontally and opts for the safety and protection of the Northern line over her head. Next time you get delayed between Balham and Oval, you know who to blame...

ANDREW WALSH likes to leave small models of mice and rats where ever he goes. He makes them from left over bars of Imperial Leather. Man, his craftsmanship is wonderful and the detail is second to none. If you spot him hanging around after a gig it's not for an autograph but to release a couple of his soapy rodents into the 'post-show' wild.

DAN BUCKLEY is possibly the most famous follower of the Fourers. Currently the toast of Hollywood after starring in recent blockbusters such as Bullet Proof Monk and Finding Nemo, Dan has taken time out to holiday in his native London. Dan has only missed four of the last five gigs due to misunderstandings. He will be at the Hope and Anchor on Sunday handing out Scotch eggs and discussing his role in the forthcoming remake of Gigli

MARIA FOLKESSON is the only Fourers fan to be a Swedish ninja. Now aged 12, Maria started killing at kindergarten, and has since rapidly moved up the ranks to become one of Scandinavia's most popular variety show acts. Maria will be absent from Fourers gigs in the near future for safety reasons, but has vowed to return to appear on the 'Generation Game Special' next Christmas. Maria, for your support and 'windmill kicks', we thank you.

DEE RAMADAN has no nose... how does he smell? Like a cheap suit from Brick Lane. One of our most exotic fans, Dee has become known for his famous double back flip at most gigs... He does it with a full pint of Tia Maria in his hand and doesn't spill a drop! He is more scared of Pita bread than guns. Thanks for your flipping support Dee.

JOHN JACKSON is the fellow who always wears a top hat at every Fourers gig. This causes some annoyance to other spectators but he insists it is a necessary evil. The towering hat is stocked with board games such as 'mouse 'trap', 'stab the onion', 'spoon bender' and everyone's favourite 'embalm'. There are no pictures in focus of John as he constantly vibrates faster than the human eye. John, for you support and entertainment we thank you.

NEIL VESRTRINI is a 40 year old Italian bear. He dines on a diet of raw meat and capers. His hobbies include pens, table tennis and any form of social combat... he plays paintball 17 - 18 times a week and is a yellow belt in Crawley. Neil, for your amo and your support, thanks.

MATTHEW DOCHERTY basically IS Christmas. Even in July he starts wearing his springy antler alice band, and skips from house to house delivering home made tuna paté, or seasonal sage and onion body scrub. He has already shown us the carefully formed plan for 'the big day'... Up at 3.20AM to watch Xmas Buffy, down to the butchers at 5AM to bid for that pheasant in the window. Back to the cab rank for 2 hours of present opening and thanking. The rest of the day is spent eating Roché in front of 'Lisa Reilly's Hilarious Home Surgery Tragedies' on ITV1. In the words of little baby Jesus... "Thanks DOC"

SCOTT ROBINSON is our only mechanical fan. Basically a modified Soda-Stream© covered in rubbery skin, Scott looks believably real in the dingy light of a Fourers gig. His dream is to one day breed with a human and also to appear on one of the following TV shows: Parkinson, Wogan, Trisha, Duncan-Smith, or Scrap Heap Challenge. Scott, for your Artificial Intelligence and your support, thanks.

LOUISA RHODES and ANI KEMPTON are the only Siamese Fourers fans. They became conjoined after an epic game of 'Beat the Blender©' went wrong [or right, depending upon how you look at it]. As a result, they share everything: food, men, jogging, applause and even a house. If you see them at a gig, don't mention the join or you for the hi jump. They also love herbs, large sea birds and the concept of the 'Harrier Jump Jet'... who doesn't? ...For your joint support Lou and Ani, we thank you.

SIMMONE BURNS That surname was given to lovely Simmone when she entered the country from her native Colombia, and refers not to her arsonist tendencies but her incredibly spicy taste.Simmone is addicted to Sellotape©, and has been known to get through 17-18 rolls in one sitting. If you want to get on with Miss Burns, as with all girls, we recommend offering a gift. Band favourites are an unused carpet tile, a free colour film from Boots©, any fresh meat parcel from your local butcher, or a hot tip for the big race. ...Simmone, for your Vindaloo flavouring and your support, we thank you.

ANDREA AUGUSTIN is possibly our newest fan at only 18 months old. Originally from Texas, she travels to each Fourers gig via American Airlines... not as a passenger but as 'freight'. By packing herself into a purpose built container and carefully addressing it to the gig, Andrea can save up to 73% on each trip. To survive the journey, Miss Augustin brings with her post-it notes to remember any ideas, a patch of grass to re-oxygenate the casket, and rolls of duct tape with which to make interesting Fourers merchandise... For your Air Miles and your support, Thank you.

ROBERT RATHOUSE, Make-up artist on 'The Lion King', has become a piece of the furniture at Fourers gigs. Once a bakers son, Robert chose to go into the world of grease paint after a chance meeting with Nicky Clarke and Cher in a bar in Farringdon. After a few tequilas and a platter of mixed nuts, his mind was made up. Now with his array of sprays, powders and foundations, and assisted by his baby daughter, Rob helps to keep us all looking like we just stepped out of the salon. Maybe he's born with it... Maybe it's Windowlean© ...For your long lasting support... Thanks Rob

TOBIAS FISHER is a rock of ages who regularly buys exotic animals from illegal dealers and then sets them free in the west end... Remember the American Werewolf in London - that was down to him.Toby has set up a trust fund for both the freed creatures and the many victims they have maimed. Once a month they all gather around a table in Moregate and get to talk to each other in an attempt to make the void between man and beast that little bit less.

MATT BURKE may be best recognised as the linesman from the Euro 96 final but he is also a fully fledged band leader. Matt's fusion of country, hip pop and horse racing makes his act, (Rubek), a real joy to watch. They made the NME once but sadly only due to the death of the entire horse brass section in a feedback incident. Deaf, dumb and eventually dead stallions everywhere... Matt don't need those beasts but, as Pete Waterman once said to Foxy... "People obviously want to see a horse on stage." (They are playing at the Hope and Anchor this sunday if you fancy it)...For your stable support Matt, thanks.

THOMAS RAVENSCROFT is the only former Head of State to be a current Fourers fan. During his time in office, Thomas managed to push through some great bills which we all take for granted now: The compulsory condom act (1992), the 'Guns for schools' program which radically altered the classroom, and the right for children to smack their parent/s (within reason). He is now a practicing taxidermist and considers the craft to be 'the future of sculpture' check out his work at http://www.wildlifeartistrycom/ Tom, For your legislation and support, thanks

DUNCAN LAMB is indeed made from the meat of a sheep. Fundamentally a living, breathing haggis, he continually amazes us with his knowledge of the application 'PowerPoint'. Mr Lamb has been known to present to a group of people for over 4 and a 1/4 days until they break down and agree to his demands of extended breakfast hours, sharper crayons for toddlers [not those safe rounded ones], and the use of high fives instead of hand shakes. Duncan can be identified by the sparrow hawk on his head at all times... For your technical support Duncan, we thank you.

LAURA GUILBERT is frequently asked 'why do you love those Fourers so much?' Each time her reply is simple..."they pay me". Laura is one of the many beautiful girls we hire from an agency based in West London, called 'PartyGirls'. Our £230 spend every gig is well worth it for the glow and fragrance she brings to the room. Her specification list in the brochure reads as follows: Excellent at any gathering (social or political demo), enjoys trout, hot-rods, BluTack© and has a built-in modem.

SAJID YASIN is a true fashion sucker and makes his mark at each Fourers concert by arriving fashionably late. With his posy of beautiful girls and incredibly expensive accessories, Saj has only managed to catch the last song of every set we have ever done... he thinks it is cool and so do we. You can spot Mr YASIN by his sawn off trousers, gold teeth, musket and the
antique saddle he carries on his shoulder. He has the Napolionic-Trash look down to a 'T'. Saj also wrote, directed and styled 'Sex in The City'

KAI AYLWARD invented rap music in his bedroom as an infant? So called innovators such as Cool Herc and Afrika Bambaataa owe their careers to this lyrical master. However, not content with simply establishing one of today's most popular genres of music, Kai attempted to merge his love for Hip Hop with his other love... the game show; One of hi s early concepts, Fun House, was originally presented by Ghost Faced Killer from Wu Tang, and later Kai went on to create the classic shows: 'In The Line of Fire' and 'Block' busters. The elusive Kai [Finnish for ghetto] can be identified at our shows by the larger than life tattoo of childhood sweetheart, 2Pac Shakur on his calf.

ANDREW NEWMAN is indeed a 'new man'. Andy likes nothing more than filling the house up with bowls of pot pourri, baking, moisturising and even picks up the kids from school. A true example of what a man of this decade should be... However. At night, when the eyes of the world have closed to dream of wetter times, he shows his manly side. Mr Newman likes 'dog fighting'... no, not the board game from Matel© nor breeding canines to dual to the death. He actually goes out into the streets of Brixton and beats the shit out of any drunk strays he can find - no weapons, 1 on 1 only. That is my kind of guy.

TOM MILLS is legendary for the greatest stunt ever performed in this country. After weeks of planning, this Fourers fan successfully consumed, digested and processed over 48 Weatherspoon Burgers - each covered in a variety of condiments and spices. Norris McWhirter is yet to officially validate the attempt however, on the grounds that some of the burgers contained traces of banned substance 'Gaviscon©'. With absolutely no music or moral support Tom completed his challenge alone in the 'Sinful Horse' pub in Manchester. Mr Mills also founded the Scouts, has no idea how to drive, and always wears cycling shorts under his work clothes... Tom, you are the real meal deal.

JAMES MACQUILLAN sounds like the kind of man who was born on a Friday... Correct. After his substantial birth in Cumbria in 1943, James worked his way up the ladder of royalty until becoming king of Kendall in 1945. He chose to abdicate later that year claiming the responsibility was thrust upon him, and got in the way of his true loves. These include taping adverts from TV, weighing and holding ping pong balls, false nails and seat covers. He is currently working as an international silk buyer.

FIONA CURLEY seems to be our most militant fan. Faultless attendance, outstanding lyric familiarity, and a good compliment rate to boot. However, she did threaten to break all our fingers if we didn't all wear bra's under our clothes at the last gig. Some of you may have spotted the strapless number just creeping out from Will's haulter neck top - sexy. other facts about Fiona, she is made of bronze, has a gun in her sock, and her favourite summer snack would be casserole (lamb).

CELIA RICHARDSON has been a fan since the early days... her tattoos prove that if nothing else. She has Will's face on her shin, Tim on her left breast and the 2 Mike's are on either shoulder blade. A real professional job, they cost 1200 yen each and 14 hours to complete. when asked if she had any regrets about the skin art she said, "I wish they were on my forehead". Celia also plays golf for the Italian national team, traps domestic birds such as starlings and once caught salmon from a mountain stream like a bear.

CRAIG WEST can be described as the Mad Hatter of the Fourers fan base. He constantly runs around proclaiming 'I'm late, I'm late' and disappearing into dark doorways - far too small for a standard human being. Inside these doorways are thousands of hats, caps and even the occasional turban, all manufactured by Craig himself. His favourite materials for creating hats are clay, chicken (breast meat only), wood, and of course tarmac.

TOM BIRTWISTLE considers bands to be similar to food. He describes The Fourers as a fat-swimming English breakfast, floating on the dirty plate of music's back street cafe. He considers Mike to be the bacon, Will the sausage, Tim is obviously the egg, and Mike the drummer is the dependable fried bread. Unfortunately Tom takes these analogies a bit far on occasion, and has been locked up for canabalism in his native Russia. After a bloody escape he made his way to London, hidden in the workings of a potato machine due for delivery to a Shoreditch bar. When you see him, don't mention the bruises.

LISA DEVINE chose to leave her oil rig in Manchester solely to be closer to her beloved Fourers. After years of letter writing, photo requesting, badge making and knicker throwing, Lisa opted to take the plunge and now lives in North London with six nuns, a sheep dog and an ex-pro. The communal rooms of her house are adorned with hand drawn Fourers posters... mostly nudes of Will. Lisa obviously has an incredible imagination. She plans to continue her obsessive support until she can appear on a 'best 100 bands with a number in their name' show on E4 and talk about us frankly.

SALLY WRIGHT is the only Fourers fan to be allergic to us. If she makes any physical contact with a member of the band, she instantly balloons like Pamela Anderson and faints. Funny though this is, it is also dangerous. Sally insists on wearing a protective shark cage around her to prevent any inflated incidents. Imagine what the inside of her head looks like after a gig. Poor girl.

BELLA BINNS truly loves the Fourers. She has labelled us 'a reason to go out and drink', and damn is she right. At our last gig in Berlin, Bella drank so much whisky she confused our drum kit with the ladies' amenities. Luckily the curtain was down but Mike's 'splash' cymbal hasn't played the same since. Miss Binns is also obsessed with karate, oxtail soup, pom-poms and hiding in cinema's.

PETER WARD is currently lost in music. He was last seen in Camberwell with a flask of coffee and 200 Larremy lights. He babbled something about going to junction 18 of the M4 to chill out for a bit, but we haven't seen him since. Pete is a big Fourers fan and an accomplished musician himself, it would be a shame to lack his presence at future gigs. If anyone spots him, tread carefully. He is 7 foot tall and probably armed. He answers to the names, Peté, Pete, Peter and Praz. Eyes peeled everyone.

MIKE CHANG prides himself on being a space saving fan, who combines passion for music with mountaineering technology. You may not notice Mike at our gigs but he is always there, packed away in a nylon bag or rolled into a tight sausage. Last concert, Mr C hang dehydrated himself to form a powder and simply had his crystals scattered about the venue. It wasn't until someone spilt a pint and a lower leg emerged on the floor that we realised he was there. That is polite and cool. Mike also enjoys bleeding radiators, catching things and lemon.